3 Steps to Setting Healthy Boundaries: Secrets that Changed My Life

We all have ways of finding ourselves in situations that we don’t really want to be in just because we said yes when we really wanted to say NO!

If you are anything like me you have lived your life in fear of hurting someone’s feelings, or not being helpful enough or kind enough or liked enough. WELL ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

I have made this year a year for setting healthy boundaries and learning to say NO when I mean NO!

I started off the year with a new phone number and instead of texting all my contacts right away, I went through my contacts and chose to give my new number only to the people in my life that are positive and healthy for my well being (and my family of course). 

I didn’t change my phone number solely for this purpose but when I found out my number would be changing, it got me thinking about the freedom I was suddenly given and this is what began my journey to learning to set healthy boundaries.  

Right away I began feeling guilt and worry that I might hurt someone’s feelings and this brings us to the First step:

1- You can choose to change your thought patterns.

I of course went straight to my usually and habitual thought pattern of not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings, and I began letting those feelings overcome me with guilt and worry as the thoughts played on repeat in my mind. 

Then I was reminded of a book I read by Gail Brenner, PhD called The End of Self-Help:Discovering Peace and Happiness Right at the Heart of Your Messy, Scary, Brilliant Life. Where she teaches that: 

“We get used to our usual thought patterns and feelings, but it’s important to understand that staying in them is a choice.” 

I remembered that I could change my thought pattern as soon as I became aware of it. When you look at your thoughts and put attention to the feelings those thoughts provoke you are able to see the limits and stress they are creating in your body. 

“When you realize your self imposed boundaries, that’s when you can work toward making a change.”says Brenner. 

Knowing that I could change my own thoughts right away started me on a path of self care and gave me a sense of power. 

2- Learn to Sit with Yourself

When I found myself falling back into my old habitual patterns I had to slow down in order to stop myself from making amends or apologizing just to make others happy. 

When you are making a big change to any habitual pattern it’s important to make time for quiet reflection. This could be in a meditation practice or just sitting with a cup of tea in relative silence. 

Quiet reflection helps you see your habitual thought patterns as well as bring clarity to new feelings both positive and negative. 

Bringing this quiet self care practice into your big life changes helps to create balance that will assist you in making more positive choices and help you remember your initial goal and why you are making this change in the first place.

3- Get Comfortable in the Discomfort

Part of the work of shedding old habits and thought patterns is embracing that feeling of awkward or unfamiliar.

I was in the habit of right away dismissing my own feelings just so everyone around me would be happy and comfortable even if that meant allowing them to walk all over me. This is what I was taught to do and what felt the most comfortable for me. 

I had to learn to allow myself to feel the discomfort of not being responsible for everyone else’s happiness.  

With this feeling of discomfort I learned to remind myself that I was making positive changes and that the feeling of discomfort was normal and Ok. 

Just like anything new it began getting easier and easier with practice and more and more comfortable.

If you are anything like me and are putting all your power into making everyone else happy, it’s time to make a New Agreement. An Agreement to start setting healthy boundaries. 

Learn to Say No, start listening to your body and honor yourself. If you don’t make yourself happy no one else will.